Tag: Funnies

So today while I was sitting in the side room of the OT, killing time and worrying like mad about many things including PG exam, my preparation (or rather the lack of it…why would I worry otherwise?) the sick AMO of Cooper etc Dr. Hindolkar, unit head of surgery walked in with his gang. And after the usual talking about PG exams, reservations, etc he started telling us all and Dr. Bhargava about people removing appendices via the stomach for people who want no scars on their abdomen. Or removal of thyroid by laparoscopic techniques and more such fascinating surgical developments. Dr. Samir Bhargava is a famous ENT surgeon who has also written a text book I used for ENT in final MBBS. So while Dr. Hindolkar was amazing us with these facts Dr. Bhargava chipped in,

“In Russia they remove the tonsils via the rectal approach……..
…………as you are not allowed to open your mouth in Russia!!!”

For the uninitaited….tonsils lie inside your mouth….open your mouth…stick out the tongue…aahhh there they are!

Erratica!!….it was Dr. Kamat who we were talking to….not Dr. Hindolkar. Since I have never seen both before I mistook one for the other

Interns in any hospital are, according to the patients, modern day vampires. They come to you every other morning (or every morning if you are unlucky to be a diabetic, have kidney failure or some disease which wasn’t enough of a headache for you by itself) armed with a swab, syringe and a needle and suck the blood from your veins. Patients’ reactions to this painful rituals are different…

Some scream, shout or make any sort of sound a person in pain would (blood collection is a slightly painful procedure..however when done repeatedly the site too gets tender and the procedure a more traumatic and painful one. Lack of skill on the part of some just adds to the woes)

Some complain….“You will finish all the blood in my body…..” or “What do you do with so much blood?”…..I prefer ignoring these types

Some like to ask why the blood is being taken . These are the ones with some basic idea about their disease or the ones who want to pacify their minds with “This is being done for my good”. To them you explain in the little time you have ‘Kidney kaa tapaas– renal function test’ or ‘Liver ki jaanch–liver function test’ or ‘HIV ki jaanch’ and so on..in simple short words. (Interns are always short of time…..too many collections, shortage of equipments and the rush to arrange for more, or just in a plain hurry to scoot home or to the library)

So once I had to collect the sample of a lady who was posted for a ‘Serum lipid profile’ meaning a test for cholesterol, triglycerides, etc in blood….in short the ‘fats’ in her blood. She was of the 3rd category mentioned above and she asked me,

“Aaj kaunsa tapaas karna hain?”

My plain reply, ” Cholesterol, lipids ki jaanch”

“Matlab?”

In my hurry to finish my work on time I could not think what I should tell her. (Plus never before had I explained to a patient about a lipid profile so didn’t have a reply ready in my head). So I said to her the easiest non technical reply that came to my head….which I didn’t even bother to replay in my head..

“Khun mein kitni charbee hain uskaa jaanch karna hain!!!”

To the uninitiated: Charbee is Mumbai Slang for ‘attitude’ or ‘masti’.

Once a fellow intern was posted in a PHC (Primary Healthcare Centre) and he had been staying there. One night a patient’s relative came him and woke him up..in the middle of the night. He asked what was wrong and the fellow said
“Keeda chavlaa..” meaning that an insect has bit the patient.
Bhavin cooly got out of his bed thinking why people come to the centre with silly complaints like that…..Thinking on his way isko painkiller aur Avil deke bhagaa deta hu he went to the waiting room.
“So which insect bit you?”
Relative, “I got it killed with me…here it is….” and saying so he opened a polythene bag to show a three feet long snake!!!

When you sit in the emergency medical services…better known as EMS or Ward 20 of KEM, many funny incidents take place there. Let me get myself clear..Here I do not intend to make fun of the patients or their ilnesses but somethings they do and say are just too funny to be left in some corner of my brain and forgotten.

RAT MAN #1
On any given day, during any given shift there are atleast 2-3 cases of poisoning, mostly suicidal, in the EMS. So one fine day (actually one fine evening) came a man who consumed rat poison for some reason. Now unlike some poisons, rat poison has no specific antidote. The treatment is mainly removal of unabsorbed poison from the stomach by emesis that is, forced vomitting by giving the patient extremely salty water….

So the staff nurse gave him a bin to vomit in and a jug of super salty water. The fellow had a glass of the concoction and puked a bit. Then he stopped having it at all. We all were instructing him to have more. He pulled a face and yelled out to the staff nurse,
“Thoda namak kam dalte the to chalta thaa…”
(Putting a little less salt wouldn’t hurt)

Pat came the reply from the seasoned lady,
“Yeh kya nimbu paani hain kyaa?….namak shakkar ki bat karta hain”
(You think I am giving you lemon juice?)

The patient was told to get admitted but after having just a glass of the solution he ran away and didn’t get admitted.

AMBA-BAI #2

One girl was brought to the EMS at night by her friend. The girl said she had consumed a bottle of baygon. A naso-gastric tube (a tube to empty the stomach, put via nostril) was put in and gastric lavage was performed (stomach wash). The gastric contents did not smell of Baygon AT ALL…infact they looked strangely yellow. On asking her if she really had taken any poison, she replied she had had one whole bottle of Baygon worth Rs.90.
“Why do you stomach contents look so yellow then?”

She replied,
“Maine socha….khali pet davai kaise khaneki..to pehle maine do aam khaye aur phir Baygon Piya”
(I thought, how can I take any poison on an empty stomach, so I first had two mangoes and then I drank the poison)